i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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