I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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