meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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