My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize