if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize