this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
