I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
