my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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