My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
