There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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