My underwear smells like fireworks.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
