I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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