the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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