im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
