You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
