remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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