Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
