I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
