I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
