Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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