My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
