Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Even my vagina gasped.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
