I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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