so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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