By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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