you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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