Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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