The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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