Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I love you. Go after that dick
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
