That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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