everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
