Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
