i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
