I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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