His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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