ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize