I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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