Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
