i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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