I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
