I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
