I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
jump out the window naked night went bad
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize