I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
