It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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