I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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