in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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