im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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