I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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