I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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