i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
