I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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