Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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