I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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