If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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