Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
