I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
