I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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