I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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