ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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